On reconnecting with my past.

The strangest thing happened last week. 

There's this friend of mine, who has always been in my life since the time we were 9 years old. Coincidentally, That was the same year that something disastrously big happened in my life, in my family. But that's for another story. 

She met me at a time that I was vulnerable. I was shy and didn't have a whole lot of friends. We lived down the road from each other and the first time we met, I was taken back by her assertive and forceful way of giving a backhanded compliment. But I liked her.

We spent almost every day together, from that time on. We were pretty much inseparable. Every day I would wander over to her house and knock on her door and trudge into her room where we would listen to music or play with her barbie dolls and sift through the never-ending mess that cluttered her room. She was free and wild and loud-mouthed, the complete opposite to me, and yet we loved being friends. 

As we grew older, things changed. The expectations from my family meant that I couldn't see her as much; couldn't go the the same parties as her, couldn't stay late at her house. I started to retreat inside myself. I had immense jealousy towards her lifestyle and yet at the same time I wanted to scream at her: "Get your shit together! You can't be wild forever!" 

And yet, she influenced an important side of me. 

As we got older, it became more apparent that she needed my sense of responsibility, and I needed her sense of freedom. She represented everything I didn't have. She didn't care about what people thought of her; she just went with the flow. 

One thing we always had in common though was low self-esteem. How original. Teenage girls with low self-esteem.

We just dealt with it in different ways. 

It's been ten years since our teenage years, and it's been three years since I last talked to her. The last time was painful - I cut her out of my life because I just couldn't deal with the emotions of our friendship anymore. There was something resentful and seething underneath, and I couldn't deal with what was going on. So I shut her out. I cut her off. I never spoke to her again.

I never stopped thinking about her. She has always been part of me. She has grown in me, even in her absence. Often I would think of certain situations: What would she think of that? But I remembered - she wasn't part of my life anymore.

Recently, with lots of changes going on, we've been thinking about each other more. 

I emailed her the other day. She called me that night... and we cried and cried. It was like no time had changed, but at the same time, so much was different. She let me know that she had actually tried calling me two weeks earlier.... and she was having bouts of insomnia two months earlier than that. It was like the world was calling us to reunite. 

I believe all things are meant to be. At certain stages, things happen, people change, circumstances gravitate in different paths, and all of it makes sense in the very end. 

Having her back in my life is a blessing. Because we have learnt that we have both become more like each other over that time. She has become more like me, and I have become more like her. I'm not sure of the significance, but I think true friends will always make it back to each other in the end. 

I told her that in many ways, I needed her out of my life to figure myself out. She agreed. 

And now I'll be attending her wedding on New Years Eve. I'm super excited for the future. I can't believe how much has changed... and how nice it is to experience moments of revelation with somebody who understands you more than anyone in the world.