“Tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams.” Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist.
I am following a life journey right now. The path is long and tricky and many parts of it feel awful and uncomfortable and guilty and wrong. So many times I have wanted to run back to peace and simplicity where I know best. But I know this is not the answer for me.
I have to find out what my heart is telling me.
When your heart has been crying out for so long, there's nothing more you can do but listen to it. Otherwise you will go crazy, and do things that will change you into a bad person. I never wanted to be a bad person.
But I certainly am sick of being such a good person.
When I say good person, I mean doing things in life knowing that it will be better for the good of everyone else. I don't think I've ever spent decent time in my life contemplating exactly what I need as a person. And since my heart keeps pulling me somewhere - I need to follow it.
It's strange though. Because I feel like I'm following a path with no end, with no answers at the end of it. It makes me want to turn around and go home because of this overwhelming fear of the unknown. There are also times, just like Santiago experiences, where I feel as though all my treasures I've ever worked for are being taken away from me.
But then, there's this... excitement? Exhilaration? There's this feeling emerging deep inside which overrides the painful guilt that follows me like a dark shadow each day. These are moments of insanity, of freedom, of perfection which make me feel so alive.
If I can smile, laugh every day for the rest of my life - I will be a complete person.
If I can commit every day to the things that mean everything to me: health, reading, writing, music, positive people - I will be a complete person.
If I can experience exciting moments that challenge me, often - I will be a complete person.
That's all I have to go on right now.
The only way to stay happy and in control is to trust myself more than anyone else. For the first time in my life I am not letting anyone else influence me. I am keeping myself surrounded by beautiful people who let me speak from the heart.
Tonight, I'm going to drive by the beach on my own and sit on the sand with the stars watching over me. I'm going to breathe, cold and alive, take in the life that I'm meant to be living. I'm going to try to forget about the pain I've left behind and focus on finding myself, completely - because that's all we've got in life - our "self" - and if we can't listen to ourselves once in our life, when can we?
