On fearing myself: the demon lies within me.

Fear is such a crippling emotion.

It literally causes our bodies to shut down, bit by bit, hounded by illness and paranoia.

I breathe it all out. Forget it. Wash it away.

Hang ups. 

Fear of not being good enough. Fear of making the wrong decision. Fear of life travelling too fast. Fear of failure. Fear of falling behind. Fear of being stuck. Fear of getting hurt. Fear of not taking risks. Fear of losing someone. Fear of not being pretty enough, smart enough.

It’s always about not being enough.

Fear is a constant enemy in my life and I watch it travelling alongside me each day - stabbing me slowly, seductively in the abdomen, willing me to take the pain, to lower myself into the knife. I resist, I resist. Sharp pangs of silence ensue. I am not myself, I am not complete, I am not living the life I am meant to.

This pain is crippling.

And yet it is not just me afflicted by this pain. We live our lives constantly knotted up, wrenching ourselves from one infestation of worries to the next. We all cope with it in different ways. But the truth lies in this: the people who look the most calm, the most at ease, are the ones who have fear gripping them savagely the moment they lose control.

I am one of them.